aSongwithoutMusic

For a long time,
I been praying my step father would die,
hoping that in his death my pain,
would leave this Earth along with him.

I was only thirteen when he looked at me
like he wanted to touch me,
not like a father but more like a lover,

and I felt uncomfortable,
my mother could tell,
but when I opened my mouth to explain
how I felt, she laughed at my pain,
making me, everyday since then, question
what my insides screamed.

It’s crazy to me that one simple moment
could kill the kid inside of me,
making me hate my every move,

it’s took me this long after that to
learn to find my voice again,
and that voice made me realize,
that even in death my step father’s pain
will still stay,

so instead I chose to fight for forgiveness,
because letting them both have power over me,
made me feel less like their child, and more like their slave,

I know trauma gets passed down, so I refuse for something like this to ever be given to my child!

This is my life and it belongs to no one else, you won’t continue to keep sending me to hell,

I will start to stand up for myself,
and when I do you will begin to see someone else!

I know I hurt a lot of people along the way, probably spreading the same cycle I suffered from!

When I was touched by my older sister, I didn’t understand the pleasure but I still liked it very much, didn’t know I was signing away my innocence that same day

In my confusion, I tried to get that feeling again, touching my brother, my cousins, uncle, and couple of our friends!

I wasn’t even old enough to know what to do with my body yet, should not have been all alone but wasnt sure who I was suppose to tell, I just felt ashamed of myself,

maybe that explains why I wanted to be touched so much growing up, maybe that’s why I lost my virginity so soon, maybe that’s why I’ve only found love in lust and not trust!

My life has been a downward spiral of depression so I make these confessions, I’ve learned my lessons, no more holding on to the guilt, pain, anger, and hate! I’m letting it go, freeing my soul!

Today is a new day!

Do you trust me?
Because I gotta be sure these days,
all these people will lie to my face,

the closest ones to you don’t even
support you,
they just want you to win so they can
say that they know you,
cashing out on my clout!

What’s up with this world?
I’m tired of power cuz it blocks
out the love,

Well fuck it!
I gave it away,
I’m asking for loyalty in its place!

Do you trust me?
What do you say?

If I didn’t have anything would
you still stand next to me?

What’s the answer?

Bet you can’t even write no more since you been with her,
because I was your muse,
traded your girl for a bag with some dirty ass shoes,

I ain’t mad at cha!
Do what you do,
but please when you see me,
don’t forget I did warn you!

My heart is fighting through the storm,
the storm I created on my own,

hard to trust when I gave too much
and they still left in a rush!

Have you ever been so hurt that
you just want to be alone?

Crying out for help but the words
dont even leave my mouth,

I NEED HELP!

How can someone that once loved
you, send you straight to hell?

I wait patiently on the white dove,
please bring me back my love,

I forgot what compassion is,

how do you defeat a demon like this?

Am I blind? Do I see?

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!

Life is just an endless hole
you fall back down to climb out of,

When will I learn what I need to know?

I don’t want to give up but I’m tired
of this fight!

Scouring the night,

Where is the light?

I get it, you’re weak,
that’s why you put the target on me,
I look so strong, so if you could
bring me down, that will help you
feel better huh?

Sorry to burst your bubble, but
that won’t satisfy your demon,
see I know that one well,
that demon is jealousy,

and now your lying to yourself,
saying I couldn’t be talking about you,
well it looks like denial got a hold of
you too!

Anyone that talks bad about me
behind my back, must hate the view,
I’ll keep walking forward because
I’m not even worried about you,

you’re mad,
you’re jealous,
maybe you wish you were me!

You want to see me stop,
you want me to give up!

I’m sorry to disappoint you hunny! 🙂