For a long time,
I been praying my step father would die,
hoping that in his death my pain,
would leave this Earth along with him.
I was only thirteen when he looked at me
like he wanted to touch me,
not like a father but more like a lover,
and I felt uncomfortable,
my mother could tell,
but when I opened my mouth to explain
how I felt, she laughed at my pain,
making me, everyday since then, question
what my insides screamed.
It’s crazy to me that one simple moment
could kill the kid inside of me,
making me hate my every move,
it’s took me this long after that to
learn to find my voice again,
and that voice made me realize,
that even in death my step father’s pain
will still stay,
so instead I chose to fight for forgiveness,
because letting them both have power over me,
made me feel less like their child, and more like their slave,
I know trauma gets passed down, so I refuse for something like this to ever be given to my child!
This is my life and it belongs to no one else, you won’t continue to keep sending me to hell,
I will start to stand up for myself,
and when I do you will begin to see someone else!
I know I hurt a lot of people along the way, probably spreading the same cycle I suffered from!
When I was touched by my older sister, I didn’t understand the pleasure but I still liked it very much, didn’t know I was signing away my innocence that same day
In my confusion, I tried to get that feeling again, touching my brother, my cousins, uncle, and couple of our friends!
I wasn’t even old enough to know what to do with my body yet, should not have been all alone but wasnt sure who I was suppose to tell, I just felt ashamed of myself,
maybe that explains why I wanted to be touched so much growing up, maybe that’s why I lost my virginity so soon, maybe that’s why I’ve only found love in lust and not trust!
My life has been a downward spiral of depression so I make these confessions, I’ve learned my lessons, no more holding on to the guilt, pain, anger, and hate! I’m letting it go, freeing my soul!
Today is a new day!